The end of 1983 completed a three year tour of duty where I accomplished every goal set by me, my peers and my superiors. I exceeded my own expectations and I had the thrill of a lifetime. The only problem was I left with an over powering sense of it was all a waste, that it and I had not made any difference. The sense of fulfillment and accomplishment that was written about the time period did not match my personal experience. When everyone was saying I should feel exhilarated I was disappointed. I accepted the acknowledgements and wondered what was missing.
The search for what was missing led me to the est training early 1984 and there I met a couple who introduced me to rebirthing-breathwork. Over a period of several months I used the technique to revisit incidents in my past. A few I’d forgotten but the sessions returned each situation back to me in full sound and living color. I was an observer and had the experience all over again too. My first suppressed memory to happen was from around the time I was two. When I asked my parents about the incident it was a day they never forgot and they were surprised at the details I was able to relay of the day. They filled in the rest.
My father was preparing to inspect a field of sorghum. I wanted a ride on the tractor. It was hot and humid as only Minnesota gets at the peak of summer. I was told no and to behave or I would have to go inside once dad left the farm yard. I immediately had a plan and ‘behaved.’ The moment the door slammed behind my mother entering the house I took off after the tractor. The next couple hours of my trek into the green field of buzzing flies was the first adventure and one all others must compare. When found I got to ride on the tractor and I returned home to a grateful and relieved family.
The pattern, the method, the habit of going for it all and having all my wishes happen began. Up until this last weekend I was convinced this mechanism was the reason for the lack of fulfillment and accomplishment. I also believed there was nothing I could do about it, that the wiring was permanent. I was wrong.